I like (ninja) turtles!: March 2013

JAMES BOND FILMS

I recently came across a collection of James Bond films and decided to give the series a try. I'm currently on the Roger Moore films and before I go any further decided I should recap the ones I've watched thus far, which include 6 Sean Connery movies and 1 featuring George Lazenby. I've also ranked the films, in case anyone wants to get a taste of Bond without having to sit through all 23 films.

Title: Dr. No (1962)

Opening Theme: This theme, features the classic James Bond tune set to a backdrop of flashing lights and colorful silhouettes, oddly reminiscent of the Partridge Family opening credits. Grade A

Bond Girl: Honey Ryder

Nice set of shells...I've been watching too many of these movies. James is starting to rub off on me and not in a good way. Grade A

Villain: Dr. No

Aside from the fact that he's a white dude who they tried to make look Asian, the dimensions of Dr. No's body were all off, giving him an extra creepiness factor. Grade A

Memorable Moment: A character named Professor R.J. Dent falls for the old "pillows under the bedsheets" trick and fires 6 rounds into James Bond's bed. James disarms the would be assassin, interrogates him, allows him to retrieve his gun and attempt to fire on Bond. The only problem is that a Smith and Wesson only holds 6 bullets and as James so wittily points out to Dent, "you've had your six". He then proceeds to shoot Dent in the chest. I was like, "Dang, James, that's coldblooded! I don't know how to feel about this. But you made a pretty solid joke as you killed the essentially unarmed man so I guess it's okay."

Overall: Grade A

Title: From Russia with Love (1963)

Opening Theme: An instrumental version of From Russia with Love plays as the films credits are colorfully projected on closeups of women's legs, stomachs, derrieres and so on. Grade B

Bond Girl: Tatiana Romanova

She's a Russian agent working for the bad guys but in the end James' charm is too overpowering and she gives in. Grade B-

Villains: Red Grant

The whole movie they kept hinting that maybe this guy was a double agent who is actually on James' side but they couldn't fool me. I see right through you, Red Grant! Grade B+

Rosa Klebb

I'm pretty sure that this is the character they based Frau Farbissina off of in the Austin Power's franchise. Grade A

Memorable Moment: James and Tatiana get it on in bed with a two-way-mirror headboard, through which Rosa Krebb watches intently. AND TATIANA TOTALLY KNOWS IT THE WHOLE TIME! It's weird and gross. And a little kinky. But mostly just weird and gross.

Overall: Grade B+

Title: Goldfinger (1964)

Opening Theme: Goldfinger, performed to more closeups of the female anatomy, this time though they are all painted gold! It actually all goes together rather nicely. CAUTION: This song very likely will be stuck in your head for days! Grade A

Bond Girl: Pussy Galore

Her name...Just...Wow...Grade A

Villain: Auric Goldfinger

Goooldfingaaa! Bwaa bwaa bwaaaaa! Grade B

Oddjob

Classic James Bond villain, beloved to members of my generation due to his anatomical benefits in Goldeneye 64! (He was shorter than all of the other characters in the game and therefore harder to shoot in multiplayer sleepovers) Grade A+

Memorable Moment: So many great scenes to choose from: Oddjob throwing his hat to decapitate an ivory statue, Goldfinger's mistress discovered dead covered in gold paint, Pussy Galore's Flying Circus. Such an incredible film!

Overall: Grade A

Title: Thunderball (1965)
Opening Theme: This theme features lots of colorful bubbles and swimming silhouettes. The tune itself is sung in classic Bond style but is otherwise unremarkable. Grade B-

Bond Girl: Domino

I really liked her swimsuit. I can't speak for Tim Gunn but I think she "made it work". Grade A-

Villain: Emilio Largo

Eyepatch is a nice touch. Emilio has a swimming pool full of sharks, which he feeds his enemies to. His sharks don't have "frickin lazer beams" on their heads but it's definitely where Austin Powers got the idea from. Or at least one of them; there's actually a few Bond villains with an affinity for sharks. Grade B-

Memorable Moment: James dramatically escapes from a super villain's mansion just in the nick of time, leaving the enemy behind to sniff the fumes of his jet pack, which rockets him forth at break neck speeds...but not before putting on the goofiest, little helmet I've ever seen! It's exciting and hilarious all at the same time!

Overall: Grade B

Title: You Only Live Twice (1967)

Opening Theme: The instrumental version is actually kinda catchy but the corny lyrics ruin it. The credits showcase some geisha-looking silhouettes as well as the same, colorful design repeated over and over. I don't know if it's supposed to be a rice hat, or a fan or the sun??? Can anyone help me here?

Bond Girl: Kissy Suzuki

First Bond girl to actually NOT instantly give into Bond's sexual advances. And they're posing as husband and wife! ON THEIR WEDDING NIGHT! If that's not an excuse to consummate then I don't know what is! Eventually though she gives in...girl's only human. Grade A-

Villain: Blofeld

Paging Dr. Evil. "Rip off!" Grade A

Memorable Moment: At some point, James Bond dons his Chinese disguise, which consists of a spray tan, a bad haircut and a set of bushy eyebrows. The whole getup doesn't seem very PC to me; even for a secret agent.

Overall: I'm not going to lie, I fell asleep watching this one. I googled the villain for this blog and was like, "holy crap! When was that guy in the movie?!" He seriously must've made his first appearance in the last 30 minutes of the movie. I didn't fall asleep on account of the film being bad per se; it was a work night and I was exhausted. The parts I remember were enjoyable enough... Grade A-

Title: On Her Majesty's Secret Service (1969)

Opening Theme: The song itself is okay; nothing great. The video is TERRIBLE! They use the same silhouette trick they've been using on the past couple of films but this time they play images of the previous films through a silhouette shaped like an hour glass, WHICH IS A HORRIBLE SHAPE TO SHOW ANYTHING THROUGH! It's just horribly framed, I couldn't stand it. See for yourself!

Bond Girl: Traci Di Vincenzo

SPOILER ALERT: Bond actually marries this woman at the end of the film! SAY WHAT?!? I know, right? To be fair, they get married in the last 5 minutes of the film and she's dead before the credits but still Bond was a married man for a good half hour of his life! Crazy! Grade A-

Villain: Blofeld

This movie takes place before the previous one because in this film Blofeld's eye isn't all messed up. Grade A-

Memorable Moment: SPOILER ALERT: This is the first Bond film without Sean Connery at the helm and George Lazenby's Bond certainly had a different feel. He was more cheery, lighthearted, and not so aggressive in his advances towards women. I liked him well enough but apparently audiences in the 60's didn't because they brought Sean right back for the next film.

Overall: Grade A-

Title: Diamonds are Forever (1971)

Opening Theme: Despite the many, glittering diamonds littered throughout the opening sequence, the whole intro had a cheap quality about it. Sure the silhouette gag was getting old but you can only show so many closeups of a ring on a finger before that gets just as boring! That being said, the refrain is catchy. Grade B

Bond Girl: Tiffany Case

Grade B

Villain: Blofeld

Once again, the main villain is Blofeld and once again he looks nothing like he did in the previous installments. I don't know if there are some chronological discrepancies happening here or if he had surgery. I clearly already need to re-watch the entire series and I'm not even done watching it for the first time! It might also help if I wasn't an old man who falls asleep every 5 minutes. Grade B+

Memorable Moment: This film features two openly gay men characters! Granted, they are villains but still that had to be some sort of milestone for Hollywood back in the early 70's!

Overall: Grade B